DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL....

I sit at my window...
Looking as the sheets of rain come pouring down...
It seems like the sky is crying...
Emptying its cascade of pain down on earth...
And watching the rain, tears run down my cheeks...
As i go back to this very same day eight years back...
27 th June, 1998....
The worst day that can come into a family's life...
A tragedy that would tear a family apart...
7:00am- A phone call which would change my life...
Forever...
I have always been daddy's little girl...
Ever since i was small...
It was always my father who i used to run to...
To read me a story...
Or take me for a walk...
Or buy me a special treat...
Though it was always my mother who looked over the finer aspects of my life...
My dad wasn't left far behind...
I still recollect with a smile certain exchanges between me and my dad...
Certain games we used to play...
Every morning before i went to school...
It was my dad who used to tie my shoe laces...
In the night it was him who used to get up a million times to see whether i was cold...
To check if my blanket was covering me...
And not lying on the floor...
The one who first taught me to read...
Who taught me cycling...
Running after my cycle for hours...
Never letting go...
The one i ran to for protection when i was naughty...
When i needed to hide from my mom...
The one with whom i shared secrets my mom will never know...
The one who helped me with the creative aspects of schoolwork...
One who gave me his passion for books...
The thirst for knowledge...
Who made maths a joy...
My dad to me was always my very own HERO...
The strongest...
The smartest...
The nicest...
And like every other kid i thought that he was forever...
Nothing in this world could take him away from me...
Steal my Super Hero...
God how wrong i was...
One swipe of the hand of fate...
One tick of the clock...
And everything was over...
My Hero...
My Dad...
Was forever taken away...
From me...
My family...
The words of the doctor still ring in my years...
"I am very sorry madam but your husband just passed away"...
It was like a bomb exploding..
Eveloping my 12 year old small world in a dark cloud...
The fact took so long to sink in..
That my darling daddy was DEAD...
DEAD DEAD DEAD...
And today all i'm left with is a huge gaping hole...
A chasm between me and my dad...
Which only death can now help me cross...
Today my father is in a far away place...
So far that i can't reach out to him...
Can't hug him...
Can't talk to him...
Can't hear him...
And uffff...
How i miss him...
There are so many things i want to say to him...
Left unsaid...
So many things i have achieved that i want him to see...
But alas...
Destiny had other plans for me...
He will never see me graduate...
He will never see me get my first paycheck...
He will never see me getting married...
Never hold his grandchildren in his arms...
He had promised me...
He would never leave...
Never let go of me...
But he walked away...
To a different world...
A different galaxy...
And all i'm left with is snippets of memories...
Of him...
I wish i had him back...
Even for a day...
A minute...
A second...
To hug him and tell him...
"BABAI I LOVE YOU"...
As each day goes by...
Things fade slowly...
The sound of his voice...
The touch of his hands...
And i'm scared...
Scared that oneday all that remain of him are distant memories...
And silent photographs...
And i cry...
My dad wasn't famous...
Or a superhero...
He was my father...
Just my father...
A warm and kind human being...
Some who could bring an instant smile to your face...
Someone who was a loving husband...
A caring son...
A great brother...
And a doting father..
Maybe it hasn't made much difference to the world that my dad is no more...
But to me...
It's a loss i'll always mourn...
Not only because i lost my father to death...
But because with him i lost someone...
I looked up to...
Someone who inspired me...
Someone who was my idol...
If i had one...
Just one more chance to say anything to him...
I would tell him that...
"I LOVE HIM..
MISS HIM...
AND WILL FOREVER BE...
DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL..."

I WONDER...

It's almost 2 in the night...
And i am awake...
The sandman refuses to sprinkle sleep into my eyes...
I am tired but sleep flirts with me...
Refusing to come any closer than just about stroking my eyelids...
And totally frustrated...
I sit in front of my computer...
And doggedly tap at the keyboard...
Determined to do something productive with this sleepless night...
Thoughts swirl around in my head...
Thoughts flashing faster than i can type...
And i wonder what thought to dwell upon...
Suddenly i remember a recent conversation with my friend...
One line in particular is retained...
She was like...
"Wow you are so lucky girl,you have so many people who like you,who want to be a part of your life"...
And hearing these words i was pleased...
More than pleased at that moment...
Happy, estactic, proud even...
But thinking about it now...
In the middle of the silent night...
I wonder what was there to be so happy, so proud about...
Yeah so i'm liked...
I have many friends...
I know many people...
Big deal...
Many of these so called friends are not going to like me more than a decade...
Maybe even less...
And the great ones (Maybe a measely 1%)...
Who will stick by me forever...
Well cease to care how i am and just accept me for me...
So still why do i care...
About pleasing the rest 99% more than the true 1% i have...
Why is it so important to me to be liked by all...
To be accepted...
Is it just me...
Or do we all suffer from this similar trait...
The desire to be liked...
To be accepted...
To belong is so great in all of us...
Sometimes too great...
Great to the point where we override ourselves...
And strive to be what other people need to see...
And like...
Reflections of themselves...
Why is it so important for us please...
More than to be pleased...
Why cannot we just be who we really are...
And open our arms wide to the world with the attitude...
'Accept me for what i am and forever hold your peace...
Otherwise you hold no high power in my life'...
But life doesn't work that way...
We spend each day agonising...
Counting the number of strangers we know...
Contemplating ways to win them over...
Often in the process forgetting the count...
Of the people who stand by us...
Inspite of our shortcomings...
Inspite of our wrong doings...
We chase unimportant things...
Unimportant people...
Running behind forbidden fruit...
And we overlook the jewels we have...
Right in the palm of our hands...
Right where we need them...
And no matter how much we make up our minds...
To not care...
Not change...
Unknowingly...
Maybe even unconciously...
We do...
We become what we are not...
Just to be liked...
Accepted...
Wanted...
To be a part of something which in the bigger picture of life is not always important...
And reading this i think to myself...
To hell with the world...
To hell with the strangers i need to please...
Accept me people, for being me...
Or just scoot...
And then i heave a sigh...
Knowing somewhere along the line this decision is going to be challenged...
And won over...
By the desire to belong...
To be liked by all and sundry...
No matter who no matter where...
Is it just me...
Or does everybody crave for acknowledgement, acceptance...
Love...
I WONDER...

IMPROMPTU...!!!

"Hurry up...Pack your bags quick, we have to leave tonight,"
Were the words my mom yelled out to me...
As she ran around in a frenzy...
Throwing clothes haphazardly into a bag....
Where were we going...
Your guess is as good as mine...
Till i snatched the tickets from my mom and read on top...
'Shirdi Return Trip Tickets'...
Cool...
At last my mom's dream of going to Shirdi was coming true...
Shirdi-the home of Sai Baba...
A place of pilgrimage...
Our journey to Shirdi was a long overnight trip...
In a bus driven by a crazy driver...
Who believe me seemed possessed...
He drove like the Devil Himself was behind him...
Narrowly missing every truck possible...
I wouldn't have been surprised if he turned out to be a
runaway from some asylum...
He kept they whole bus awake with the fear of toppling off the hillside in the darkness...
And never being heard of again...
But as the whole bus settled into a fitful slumber...
Sleep evaded my eyes and i decided to enjoy the landscape
rushing by outside my window...
Mountain sides, trees, fields, brooks...
As they flashed past the bus in a blur...
I again admired God's wonder...
Bathed in the gray moonlight..
The countryside looked so different...
So beautiful...
And losing myself in this beauty...
I fell asleep i don't know when...
But not for long...
As we were rudely awakened by the driver...
Who informed us that our destination had been reached...
In loud hoarse tones...
Desperately trying to rub the sleep out of our eyes...
And extremely happy to survive the journey in one piece...
All the passengers alighted the bus and looked around in wonderment at the first
sight of such a holy place...
A look which turned to dismay and then to disgust in seconds...
As we absorbed the sights that greeted us...
The skyline was filled with hotel rooftops cropped close to one another...
Garbage lay in heaps all round...
And should i mention the garbage was 'HOLY'...
As to say offerings and garlands of the temple...
Cows lazed around...
Much like the zamindars of a plot of land do...
As a bunch of squealing piglets scuttled from one place to another...
Well here it lies...
Shirdi-the place of pilgrimage...
Whatever may it be...
We were here to pray...
My mom and i...
So pray we would...
But not before checking into a hotel...
Having a bath(At the unearthly hour of 6 in the morning)...
Changing into fresh washed clothes(Does God really care whether i
have had a bath or no, i wonder)...
Draped in a nice pretty salwar..
Looking very nice, subdued and most importantly...
Very girlish(Tomboy that i am)...
I very sweetly followed my mother to the Sai Baba temple...
Where the multitude of people milling around was a kind of shock to my senses...
Nevertheless...
Braving the crowds...
And avioding the persistant pandas...
Mom and me progressed for the Darshan...
Holding puja thalis in our hands...
But how unfair...
After waiting in the queue for a better half of an hour...
We could get close and pray to Sai Baba only for a minute...
Till we were rudely shoved outside by the priests with the words...
"Bahut Darshan hua. Jaldi chalo"...
Ufff........
If only God was there at that moment wouldn't He have been so mad...
His devotees treated so bad...
Hmmfff...
Well no use complaining...
I prayed all i could in a minute...
And then set forth to explore the temple grounds...
Spread over a vast expanse of land...
A lotus pond, a miniature waterfall and different trees with brightly
coloured flowers created an air of tranquility...
The famous neem tree under which Baba did his gyaan..
The building that holds his Samadhi...
Everything had a feeling of spirituality to it...
Well as the sun rose higher in the sky...
So did the rumbling in my tummy increase...
So i half dragged half pulled my mom to eat...
Before i died of hunger...
And slowly but steadfastly the time ticked by...
Till at last it was the hour to return...
To Home Sweet Home...
God if i thought the last bus journey was bad...
This return journey was worse...
Forget trying to kill us all...
The driver drove in jerks and halts that kept everyone at the edge of their seats...
Nails digging into the upholstery of the seats...
Clinging on for dear life...
Trying not to slide off every 5 seconds...
It was a oneway ride to Hell...
Wasn't i just so happy to reach Mumbai and step down on solid ground again...
But all in all...
The trip was great...
Fun, spiritual, spontaneous...
I felt happy and at peace...
With myself and the world...
The trip was planned all of a sudden...
And it turned out to be awesome...
But then things always turn out good...
When they are done in...
IMPROMPTU...

MOONLIGHT FIESTA

Its late in the night...
And i sit at the window...
And watch the world outside...
Bathed in the moonlight...
A Beethhoven's sonata plays softly on the radio...
And an air of lightheadedness washes over me...
I watch as the moonlight creeps over the landscape...
Casting long shadows on the ground...
And i feel relaxed...
Happy...
Ethereal even...
And i wonder what magic the moonlight holds...
That makes me want to throw up my heels in joy...
Throw all my restraint to the winds...
And go prancing with joy...
Under the starry sky...
I want to go skipping down paths unknown...
And just like the little girl i once was...
Go searching for elfin fairies that existed in the stories
my father used to read out to me...
Walk over shimmering clouds...
Till i reached the moon...
So cool, pale, pretty in a mystic way...
I have always been fasinated with the moon...
So in love with it...
Its pale light drapes eveything in a magical glow...
Its light neither harsh nor piercing...
Bathes life in a soft embrace...
Divulging beautiful secrets that the harsh light
of the sun generally obilerates...
Hiding small flaws that the sun light exposes...
Night time holds a great mystery...
In the moonlight even the simplest of things
hold a mysterious air about them...
The night wrapped in moonlight...
Arouses an undescrible feeling...
A feeling where you could believe in magic even...
The night time reminds me of all the Enid Blyton books i read as
a little kid...
And i almost ferverently wish a tiny pixie would come
a knocking on my window pane...
And sit me upon a fluffy cloud...
And carry me to lands unknown...
The moonlight awakens the child in me...
As the moonlight spreads its long silvery fingers over the land...
I dream, imagine, believe...
And loose myself...
In the heady feeling...
That is cast upon me...
Such is the magic over me...
Of the divine hand of God at night...
Of the 'MOONLIGHT'...

MISINTERPRETED...

The poem 'What If?'
is one that is very close to my heart...
It was writen by me long ago...
One rainy afternoon...
As the raindrops pattered upon the windowpanes...
I was in a particularly melancholy mood...
I had just read a book...
Where the protagonist had vowed to enjoy time with her already married lover...
Even if it was for a day...
Because even one single moment with your true love...
Equals to a lifetime of joy...
And the book set me thinking...
What if you loved someone so much...
That your heart could burst with all the love you have for that person...
And similarly your love was reciprocated equally...
But what if the hands of fate kept you apart...
Forced you to leave your soulmate...
And live a life where destiny has no plans to get you'll together...
What would you do...
Would you cherish every moment possible with the person of your dreams...
Savour each touch, feel and word...
Or would you let the knowledge of never to be tear you apart...
How would it feel to love someone...
Knowing there will be no tomorrow...
No once again...
Will you love inspite of that...
Or will you just walk away...
These are feelings behind my poem...
The true essence of my verse...

But then there are many people...
To whom this poem may seem sarcastic...
Maybe even hurtful...
That is okay...
It's ultimately each one's perception...
But this poem of mine wasn't meant to be sarcastic...
All i was trying to convey is that...
What if there is no tomorrow for you and me...
Will you love me...
Inspite of that...
But then as i said before...
It is each one to his perception...
A perception that has often left me grossly...
MISINTERPRETED....

WHAT IF???
What if i told you that i would love you for a day?
And then i would have to leave you and walk away...
What if i told you that i wish we could be together forever?
But then that it would not last forever...
What if i kissed you tonight?
And then for forever moved out of your sight...
What if i held you in my arms today?
And then asked you to stay far away...
What if i told you that i couldn't do without you?
And then oneday broke your heart in two...
What if i told you that i need you by my side over the years?
But that i am afraid that my commitment will cost me my tears...
What if i told you that i will love you forever in my heart?
But that oneday we will have to part...
What if i told you that it's on your love that i live?
But that i can't promise you that oneday i won't have to leave...
What if i told you that you are the one who wipes my tears dry?
But maybe oneday i would make you cry...
What if i told you that you are the one who makes me smile?
But that i have to leave you after a while...
What if i told you that my life was meaningles without you?
But that our dreams would never come true...
What if i told you that i would love you for a day?
WOULD YOU ACCEPT IT OR THROW IT AWAY???

LOCKED UP...

It has been almost a month since my break up...
Enough time to lessen the pain if not eliminate it completely...
Or so i thought....
I was just so wrong...
The pain has nowhere come to becoming less...
Instead it has just got worse...
Small things remind me of him...
Memories, words, places still bring tears to my eyes...
I thought time heals all pain...
But my pain still burns into my soul...
Destroying my heart...
The pain i feel is not just emotional...
It is a physical hurt deep within me...
Something unlike i had ever felt before...
Something i can't seem to find a cure for...
And i wonder...
Is there a cure for it at all...
Or am i destined to suffer in this hell of mine forever...
The fateful day he walked out of the door...
It felt like he took my soul away with him...
And all he left behind was a shell...
A shell which is just a shadow of what i once was...
Its feels like i have been robbed of
all my feelings and emotions...
I feel like i can never love again...
And i am scared...
I am scared because i'm in denial...
I know exactly what has hapened...
I know he has left and is never going to come back...
But instead of giving vent to my anger, my pain, my sorrow...
I've just locked away my emotions behind a door...
A door i refuse to open...
A door which once open will set forth a tidal wave of hurt...
A wave which will awash me in pain and drown me in its depth...
I refuse to cry...
I refuse to get bitter...
I refuse to get angry at him...
It's not that i haven't acknowledged the fact that we are no more together...
But then instead of hurting...
I have shut my soul to the pain...
I don't want to think...
I don't want to remember...
Maybe all i need is to let the truth set in...
But with this truth will come the pain...
Which i don't want to suffer...
I need a closure...
But i can't seem to let go...
Maybe i don't want to let go
(Shit this line sounds just so sad to me)...
I'm scared...
Scared to feel the familiar pain...
The familiar feeling of sinking into a deep abyss...
The familiar feeling of being abandoned...
I needed to open my locked up feelings and let go...
Once and for all...
I need to cry my heart out...
Till i can cry no more...
I need to hurt till i can hurt no more...
And then i'll at last be okay...
I really really need...
To unlock my Locked Up Emotions...
GOD BLESS ME....

MUSIC FOR MY SOUL

I am a very music person...
Music is food for my soul...
I can survive in solitude for days...
Without uttering a single word to anybody...
But i need my music to pull me through...
A true blood music lover...
I swear by music...
Differentiating music fails me...
For me music is just music...
A creative and beautiful form of expression...
The kind of music i listen to depends on my mood...
But i don't like any "ONE" kind of music...
I like "ALL" kinds of music...
Music with good beats...
Music with meaningful wordings...
Music to which i can groove...
Music to which i can move my body...
Music which i can connect to...
Have beeen a lot of good music lately...
Some of the songs are old...
Some new...
Some very popular...
Some virtually unheard of...
But one thing they have in common is...
I love them...
Now..at this very moment...
Donno about tomorrow...
Thought will let all you guys know what i've been listening to...
Maybe you'll like these songs as well...

"YOU AND ME"

-Lifehouse
Found this song by chance while surfing the net...
Love the tune...
Its slow and fast, both at once...
Pretty decent words...
Especially the line...
'Cause it's you and me and all of the people
with nothing to do, nothing to prove.'

"YELLOW LEMON TREE"
-Fool's Garden
My friend introduced me to this song...
Like the words with which the song starts...
'I'm sitting here in a boring room,
it's just another rainy Sunday afternoon,
i'm wasting my time,i got nothing to do,
i'm hanging around, waiting for you,
but nothing ever happens-- and i wonder'
I really can't say i know why the singer says that all he can see is a
yellow lemon tree...
But whatever...
The song is pretty cute...

Nice cute beat to it...

"UNBELIEVABLE"
-Kaci Brown
Heard this the day before on VH1...
Loved the words of the chorus...
Potrays my feelings...
'It's unbelievable but i believed you,
unforgivable but i forgave you,
it's insane what love can do,
that keeps me coming back to you,
you're irreplacable,
but i'll replace,
now i'm standing on my own,
alone..'
A typical teeny bop song...
But well...
I kinda like it...

"PIECES OF ME"
-Ashlee Simpson
Maybe the only song of Ashlee's worth listening till date...
Words have a certain something to them...
'It's as if you know me better than i ever knew myself,
i love the way you can tell,
all the pieces, pieces, pieces of me
all the pieces, pieces, pieces of me'
Ooooh yeah baby...
Wish someone knew even a teensy weensy part of me well...

"I'M NOT MISSING YOU"
-Stacie Orrico
God the words of this song touch my heart...
The starting line...
'I'm not missing you
been through just about everything i could go through
when it comes to relationships'
Rocks...
And as for the chorus...
It just pierces my mind for its aptness...
'I'm not missing you
i'm not going through all the motions,
waiting and hoping you call me,
i'm not missing you,
you might have had me open,
but i must be going,
because i got life to do,
i know i'm usually hanging on,
i used to hate to see you gone,
but this time it's different,
i don't even see the difference,
i'm not missing,
i'm not missing you'
Wish i could say this...
Meaning each word truly...

"AFTERGLOW"
-Inxs
A band of six hot 'bad' boys...
This song of INXS with new lead singer JD...
Has what it takes to keep me hooked...
And humming the tune for ages...
Throaty, sexy the song strikes a chord...
'Touch me and i will follow in your afterglow,
heal me from all this sorrow,
as i let you go i will find my way,
i will sacrifice,
now i'm living in your afterglow..'
Sexy sexy sexy...
JD's husky voice...
Washes over me...
And lifts me up...
Into dreamland...
Into oblivion...

"MERA BICHRAA YAAR"

-Strings
Another feather in the hat for Strings...
This Pakistani band has come a long way...
And still has a lot far to go...
Not too much of wordings in this song...
But the guitar lifts the song to a different level...
'Karr mera intezaar,
mera bichraa yaar,
mera bichraa yaar,
karr mera intezaar,
mera bichraa yaar,
mera bichraa yaar..'
The flute in the background adds a good feel to the song...
Nice tune...
Nice song...
Simple but sweet...

"HIPS DON"T LIE"
-Shakira feat Wycleaf Jean
Hot is the word that comes to mind when i watch the video...
Shakira is as stunning as ever...
And her dance...
Oooh mama mia...
Wish i could dance like that...
'Oh baby when you talk like that,
you make a woman go mad,
so be wise and keep on reading the signs of my body,
and i'm on tonight
you know my hips don't lie
and i'm starting to feel it's right
all the attraction, the tension
don't you see baby, this is perfection'
Sheesh...
I'm so crazy about this song...
Can listen to it over and over and never tire...
And to move my body to this song...
Is heaven...

WALKING IN THE RAIN

31st May,2006...
First rain of the season...
Ummm....
The smell of wet soil wafted up into my nose and filled my heart with an indescribable joy...
Looking at the sheets of rain pouring down my heart skipped with joy...
And i felt an urge growing deep within me...
An urge to run out and soak in the first rain of the year...
The child in me had awakened again...
All i wanted to do was feel the raindrops on my skin...
Rolling down my cheeks...
Soaking me to the skin...
As the wish to get wet surged within me...
I thought for just a millisecond...
Before i stepped out with arms wide open...
To welcome the rain..
In minutes me and my two friends, who were with me at that moment
were soaked to our our bones(literally)...
It was a special moment...
A moment to capture...
As i connected with nature...
As we walked had in hand...
Enjoying the rain, people rushed by us...
Running for cover...
Trying to avoid getting wet...
Unperturbed we three friends walked through all the puddles...
Relishing a unique moment where nature
and us felt like one...
Wading through knee deep water collected at certain parts
of the road back home...
We laughed and giggled...
Like little kids on their first experience with the monsoons...
And then we were suddenly struck by a crazy idea...
To make this 'Walk in the Rain' more special...
We decided to pay a visit to a nearby pastry outlet...
And savour amazingly rich gooey chocolate cakes to mark the occasion...
So we did...
And as each one of us bit into heavenly chocolate pastries...
A feeling of peace, satisfactiopn and fulfillment filled me from within...
From my head to the tip of my toes...
I had felt such joy after a very long time...
When i reached home at night...
And shrugged out of my soaked clothes...
My mom fussing over me all the while...
Worrying that i might catch a cold...
I didn't care...
I felt good on the inside...
I felt like a little girl again...
I felt happy and content...
It's so funny...
How much joy simple things in life can bring...
A thing as small and simple as...
"WALKING IN THE RAIN"...